The Metamorphosis

"Monarch butterflies progress through four separate stages of life: the egg stage, the larval stage, the chrysalis stage, and the butterfly stage."

Connor Rip Raab was born on September 18, 2005. His Dad didn't emerge until a few months later. Below are e-mails Todd sent to me and Rocket detailing (painfully) his metamorphosis into a parent.

EGG STAGE

"When the Monarch butterflies return to the North they mate and lay their eggs on Milkweed leaves."

2/21/05: Just thought you guys should know that my life is about to change forever....

LARVAL STAGE

"After emerging from the egg, the caterpillar eats almost nonstop until it is too big for its skin."

9/19/2005: Rip was born late Saturday night (actually early Sunday morning - 5:30AM or something like that I can't remember). He was 7 lbs 0 oz and about 20 inches long and in great health. Mom did great and is doing well in recovery. Dad is still in denial and working on his second bottle of scotch. So there you have it.

P.S. Man how about those SPARTANS!!

10/9/2005: Dudes, something is driving me into a freaking feeding frenzy. I stuffed one of those McDonald's pancake-sauage-cheese-eggy-sandwich things down my throat on the way to work this morning. Then I ate the hockey puck hashbrown that comes with it and two packets of ketchup....I went to lunch with George at Main Street and I ordered a large, deep fried ranch chicken fritter rap. It came with french fries but I got a side of onion rings, too. And I ordered a bowl of creamy deluxe potato & ham soup. When the sandwich came I asked for two sides of blue cheese dressing and smothered it over everything. I dipped my onion rings and french fries in it. I even stuck my fingers in and scraped out the little plastic cup. I had food smeared all over my glass of diet coke and fritter drippings in my beard. George looked at me like I was a bum who hadn't eaten in 3 weeks. He talked at me all through lunch but I have no idea what the hell he said. I just nodded my head back and forth in agreement when it seemed appropriate.

I came back to the office and ate 2 warm Snak Pac puddings I had in my desk. I am still hungry and would cram this freaking keyboard in my cake hole if I had a side of blue cheese dressing to smear on it.

"The catepillar sheds its old skin, eats it, and then continues to eat milkweed leaves. It molts 4 times until it is ready to change into its 3rd stage of development."

11/01/2005: I went to the Cracker Barrel for lunch. I ordered the chicken fried chicken with white gravy, a side of corn, and three sides of mac & cheese. I smeared ketchup all over my chicken fried chicken and mucked it up with the white sauce. I used the 2 corn muffins they gave me to sop up all the gravy/ketchup and chicken juices. I used my finger to mop up the cheese sauce. I washed it down with a diet coke. I got back to work and ate two blue berry pop tarts.

It hurts to laugh or breath.

11/10/2005: I ate like a hog yesterday and this morning I was really cramped up. I couldn't shit this morning but by the time I got into work and had my coffee and toasted "everything" bagel with vegetable cream cheese, I was pretty primed to hit the can. So I get in there and am working on this killer poop. Dude, it was so large it made my eyes water. Took me like 7 minutes before the tip of the log even touched the water. And when it did it was still attached to my ass! Like it was greasy appendage. So I look down and the thing is buried in there but about one-third of it is out of the water resting on the upper half of the bowl - like a huge beached vessel. I cross my fingers and flush. She goes down but clogs it up instantly. I spend the next 10 minutes plunging it and trying to wipe my ass at the same time. I end up with all this shit covered toilet paper on the counter that I can't do anything with because the mongo-turd is stuck in the bowl. Finally I get the damn thing shoved down there but in the process of plunging I have made this thick shit stew in the bowl. Almost makes me gag. I give it another good flush and finally it is all gone. But then I spend another couple flushes dumping soiled paper. All the while standing over the bowl with my pants down around my ankles and my grubby ass cheeks stuck together.

This all took about 20 minutes. Then I was ready for lunch.

CHRYSALIS STAGE

"In two or three weeks, the catepillar must find a place to enter its next stage of metamorphosis, the pupa or chrysalis stage. The caterpillar looks for a firm place which will protect it from the wind and weather. It then expels from its 'spinneret' (located near its lower lip) a sticky silken substance which it uses to form its chrysalis."

12/12/2005: I projectile puked last night. I don't think I have EVER puked that hard in my life. I went to this college bar near William & Mary with some colleagues and must have eaten some bad seafood. I wasn't that drunk. I was going to puke walking back to the hotel with the guys, but I thought that wouldn't be best. So I held it for the 2 mile walk. The instant I got in the door I totally puked my guts out. Then I laid down on the floor and slept for 15 hours.

I don't know what the fuck is going on. Something is happening to me...

BUTTERFLY STAGE

"The Monarch emerges with an attraction to sweetness and sunshine. It immediately searches for flowers with sweet nectar."

1/16/2006:...I just want to add that I am really freaking happy to be alive. Really I am. I am so pleased that I have the ability to run and stay active. I am so happy that my son is healthy and happy and that my wife is attractive and engaging. I am happy to have a comfortable yet challenging job with good pay. Happy again to have my health. Happy to have worked as hard as I have for the things I have. Happy to be safe (except from Hubbard). Happy to be able to see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. Happy to be able to afford a Guinness and cheeseburger and happy to know where to find one. And happy as hell to have great friends like you two.

Rocket's response: Let me just say this...who the hell are you?!?! You better be careful or I'm gonna start calling you "Sunshine".

My response: Or maybe just "Dad."