Why A Straight Man Should Never Tell His Friends That His Ass Hurts

Raab: Blew my ass out Wednesday night moving the freezer around. Chris Thompson was over. I think I shredded the inside wall of my ass again. No bleeding yet but it's really painful. I have at least 4 gallons of Preparation H stuffed up there to lower the swelling and ease the pain. I was going to go to the doctor today, but I chickened out. I’m hoping that it will simply go away....Hey, do either of you have Kate Bush's new CD Aerial? It got outstanding reviews. I have only heard one track and it is airy and lush as hell. I gotta get my hands on it.

Tom: Dude, there was no freezer. You and Chris were surrounded by Yankee candles and covered in scented oils when you “blew your ass out,” weren’t you? And Kate Bush?! Christ, you are so gay.

Raab: Hey butt plug, she did some good stuff! Better than fucking “Fitty” Cent. And at least I don’t sit around eating an entire meatloaf while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer. You better hope I don't find a candle in your place next time I’m over there. If I do, I’ll plant my rainbow moon boot in your tight little rump!

Rocket: Butt plug? Rainbow moon boots? Tight little rump? You’re not exactly putting these rumors to rest.

Tom: Also, adding “as hell” doesn’t mask the total queerness of the phrase “airy and lush.”

Todd: Alright you assholes, someone is going to get a pounding! I have to get my son, so I can't respond to this right now. But I'm going to kill both of you!

Rocket: “So Chris Thompson came over last night…yada, yada, yada...my ass is bleeding this morning.”

Tom: Note to self: "moving the freezer around"= making man-love.

Todd: Dammit! QUIT!!! Just quit.........my butt hurts...........I'm going home............

Tom: Dude, sorry. Just come up with a better excuse for your bleeding ass next time. Ahhh, nothing like a good homophobic e-mail frenzy to end your workday.