Super Charged Gas

I recieved this from Rip today.

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I remember

…a Saturday afternoon project involving the 1969 Olds Cutlass wagon with the “President Ford” bumper sticker, which we used for our Halloween “begging.” Our neighbor John owned a little shop called RPMs. The sole purpose of the business was to make things go fast! It didn’t matter what type of fossil burning machine it was, lawn mower, tractor, motorcycle or 1969 Olds station wagon--John’s mission in life was to make it louder, faster and meaner.

Somehow, John convinced Dad he should put headers and glass packs on the family wagon. As you can imagine, they just don’t make performance exhaust ("headers") for family station wagons, even though the notorious Cutlass wagon was well-equipped with the “Rocket 350" with "three on the tree.”

That afternoon after procuring the parts, Dad and John’s gearhead buddies rolled in with their coolers full of Carlings Black Label and started the operation. I was all of 9 year old at the time and was fascinated by anything mechanical, so I watched every step of the operation quietly in the corner. First the old exhaust pipes came off; then came the time to remove the old exhaust manifolds. The “F” word was flying around as if were just a normal everyday word. I was part of the gang--cool. Things progressed well as the pile of old parts and empty Carlings cans grew.

Extraction complete! Now time to install the shiny new horsepower breathing pipes. The passenger side of the installation went well--no problems. The driver’s side was altogether a different animal. With the assembly partially installed, the team discovered that the pipes would not fit around the steering column shaft. Remember, this is the family wagon and I don’t think the designers at Oldsmobile ever imagined someone putting headers on their safe, sound family design.

Of course, the combination of testosterone and alcohol meant that these guys were not going to let the vehicle or the part win this battle, so each of them took their turn with a crow bar trying to make the parts fit together. Finally, after each of the men failed in their mission to force the parts into submission, Dad stepped in and told the others to step aside and let a real man at it. Here’s a man I have watched single-handedly pick up eight foot railroad ties--no doubt he could get it done! Proudly I watched, thinking the old man was going to show these grease monkeys a thing or two…

Well, Dad carefully positioned the crow bar between the firewall and the exhaust headers that were not cooperating and started to pull. First he used moderate strength, and the vehicle held strong. Then I watched as Dad applied his superhero strength. His face grew red and the veins in his temples began to swell, sweat dripping down his nose. Then it happened! The pressure must have been too much because Dad released the loudest and longest fart I have ever heard in person still to this day.

Dad was intimidating to say the least as a parent, and I was scared to death and didn’t know how to react at first. But the whole garage erupted into hysterical laughter, and I ended up laughing so hard I cried. That was the first time I had ever heard my Dad fart, and what a fart it was!

After the air cleared, the men noticed something amazing. The part had popped into place. They were all convinced that neither man nor beast would make those two pieces of metal fit together. The fart made it happen! From that day forward, we had the fastest, loudest and meanest blue 1969 Oldsmobile station wagon in the county. When Dad would drive down the street, he would flare the gas pedal between gears to rev the engine and proudly announce his return for the day.

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Great story, Rip. I'll bet the garage floor wasn't the only thing with skid marks that day.