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Blowing the dust off this blog...

Breakfast With Max

I made Max eggs and bacon this morning for breakfast. It was "turkey bacon." I didn't think he'd notice the difference.

Wrong.

Max: (Spitting the bacon onto his plate) This tastes like my bike tire. I want cereal.

Running Grandmas

Todd, Peter and a couple other guys ran Grandma's Marathon in Minnesota last weekend.

And hell, if you're running Grandma's, why not actually be "running Grandmas?"




That's Todd in the front left. He looks like Gangsta Grannie. Peter's in the front right, and his dress is actually sort of flattering. Plus, he's got the effeminate wave nailed (doesn't it look like he's saying "Oh, stop! You're embarrassing me!"?). He may not be Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, but he's got Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire beat by a mile. Jim and Rich are the two homely chicks in back.

Anyway, here's Todd's recounting of this epic skirt chase:

The idiocy started when we boarded 1st class in Grand Rapids. We drank free bloody mary's to Minnesota. Got in and hit the NWA Club lounge. Met Jim. More free bloody marys. Drove to Duluth.

Got up at 4AM and started dressing. Took about an hour to get dolled up with make up and everything. We were noticed as soon as we walked out of our hotel rooms. People went absolutely freaking nuts. I can't explain how crazy it was. I know now what it is like to be a celebrity.

Film crews started on us right away. Pictures with other runners started too. My guess is we had our photos taken with groups of people from 5:30AM till 8:30PM 200-300 times. Not kidding!

Got to the start and people went nuts! We started speaking in our granny voices. My schtick was, "Sweetie my panty hose (or mascara) are running faster then I am!"

I would run up, hunched over, to little kids on the side of the road and say, "Come here honey and give grandma some sugar honey" pursing my lips and kissing at them the whole time. The kids would freak and the parents loved it!

The heat index was 91. I can't tell you how freaking hot it was in that costume with a jacket on and panty hose. During the race, 13 people were sent to the hospital and 410 treated at the med tents. First time in Grandma's history they had the black danger flags out. Ambulances EVERYWHERE. People dropping like flies.

We yuked it up all the way to mile 20 and then we started passing the frat houses at U of Minnesota. We pulled over more times then I can count and had dudes popping beers with us. We'd slam a beer and then get 50 yards down the road and another group would haul us in for more beer.

This went on till mile 23 and we swung off and went into this bar to wait for Jim and Rich, who had fallen back a bit. It had a huge deck over looking the runners. The patrons started pouring us free pints and set us up in lawn chairs out front. We drank free beer for 20-30 minutes waiting for those guys. They showed and we ran it in the rest of the way together.

At mile 26 a group had a beer bong going. Ran over and told them "granny needs a drink." They set me up with a 3 can bong. Chugged it all, but the last bit I spewed all over my face and wig.

The finish line was insane with people. From there we went to Grandma's bar. The TV crew was there and videoed us to death. Then to the beer tent. Met three chicks that groupied us all night. It was nuts. Chicks everywhere. I held more hot looking chicks in my arms on Saturday then all of you combined in your entire lives.

The one chick is a radio show personality and is going to do her entire show on how sexually attracted she was to men dressed in women's clothing. She left a voice message on my cell asking again why she couldn't keep her hands off me. She's mailing me the show on CD when it's done.

Spoke to the CEO of Grandma's and he is going to contact Jim about what may lie ahead for us. He LOVED us!

I've already got my dress picked out for next year...

In The Garbage Can, Off The Hospitality Tent, Off The Oak Tree, Nothing But Net

Below is Rocket's take on the U.S. Open yesterday. I can't believe I wasted a perfectly good Father's Day watching that train-wreck.

After watching Phil spray his driver all over the course Sunday, only hitting like 2 fairways off the tee, I just stared in disbelief when he took it out of the bag on 18, knowing he just hit it into the trees and into a garbage can on 17 and knowing he only needed to par 18 to win. I was totally expecting his caddy to do some sort of Tin Cup routine...

Phil - "Give me the driver."
Caddy - "You want the 4 wood boss."
Phil - "Give me the driver."
Caddy - "You only need a par to win boss."
Phil - "I don't want a par, I want to birdie the last hole of the U.S. Open!"
Caddy - "But you don't NEED a birdie, you need a par!"
Phil - "Give me the driver!"
Caddy - "You've been spraying the driver all day boss. You just put the driver into a trash can on 17. Just hit the 4 wood. 6 iron to the green. 2 putts and you go home the U.S. open Champion."
Phil - "Give me the goddamn driver!"
Caddy - Snaps the shaft of the driver in two pieces over his knee. "Now what club you want boss?"

That's what should have happened.

Spring Break

I'm running seriously low on clutter. Feel like I've been "phoning in" my posts for the last couple weeks. So, I'm taking a hiatus.

See ya in May.

Panda vs Koala

Amy thinks Koala bears are cooler than the Panda. I say whatevah.

Check out that Panda. He's just about to kick some Koala ass.

London Stalling

Okay, I'm sick of talking about the London trip. Blah blah swanky hotel blah blah roundabouts blah blah cheap drugs blah blah fancy prostitutes blah blah blah (I'm kidding Amy, of course. The drugs were expensive as hell.)

Anyway, I wanna talk about something else now. Soooo....any ideas?